2008 Goals

I haven't posted in a bit. I was in a holiday funk. Now I'm focusing towards 2008 and all that it will bring. My friend Leslie and I are hanging out tonight for New Year's Eve. My former spouse has the kids and so does hers. The highlight of our evening is to do a little bit of goal setting for 2008.

I went to a speaking event given by James Ray this year and he talked about 5 areas of your life that all need to be given attention and energy so that they can be in harmony. They are:

• Financial
• Relational (self & others)
• Intellectual (mental & emotional)
• Physical (body & tangible)
• Spiritual (one on one relationship with a creative source)

He said at his program that if your life is in perfect balance, nothing will happen. Harmony is more achievable.

So, tonight, we're going to set some goals for ourselves related to all of these areas of our life. I'm ready to get clear on what I want so that I can work towards my personal goals in 2008.

My hope is that 2008 brings you personal peace and continuous growth.

To your new life...

Claire

Tags: | Divorce | James Ray | New Years Resolutions | Goal Setting

Acknowleging Is The First Step

The photo of my kids and I at the top left of the blog is our Christmas photo from last year. My divorce was final last November (2006) and it was important to me that I had a photo of our new family of three to send out. I hadn't sent any Christmas cards the year before because I was just too involved in my personal crisis.

I went onto Shutterfly last night and ordered our cards for this year. It had been on my mind and I'm into easy and love doing things from home. Now I can check that off my list (don't you just love checking things off of lists!). As I was downloading photos and deciding which pix would make the cut this year, my daughter walked up and pointed out that she and my son needed to wear their North Face jackets when they went with dad on Friday this week so that they could take their Christmas picture.

Of course, that struck me as just plain weird since their dad moved in with this woman in May and they have been dating a little over a year. Now, they're sending out these family photos like they are this married couple. I'm not bothered because I am jealous that I'm not in the photo. It just felt odd and somehow not appropriate. I on the other hand, consider myself pretty hip and am not too bothered by strange relationships and non-traditional stuff, so I guess why do I care? Normally I wouldn't, but my kids are involved, so that's why.

My point is that I'm learning to acknowledge when I'm affected by things. Acknowledging when I get that funny feeling in my gut. Once I've acknowledged it, it just seems easier to let it go, move on, accept it, whatever. As I've said before, so much of co-parenting with a former spouse is about realizing and acknowledging that you are not in control of a lot of situations. Every time my kids go with their dad, I have absolutely no control over what happens. Freaking out and worrying over that just takes too much energy, so I'm learning to just let it go.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Co Parenting During Divorce | Divorce And Communication | Divorce

Old Shoes

Pictured L-R - Jane, Weez, me, Liz

This picture was taken at a baby shower for my friend Jane. She lives in New York and just got married last summer. We joke that she's the smartest person we know because she waited so long to get married. She travelled, dated a lot of guys, and totally knew who she was when she got married.

I've known Jane since Kindergarten, Weez since 10th grade and Liz since 6th grade. These are my oldest 'old shoes'. I don't get to see Jane very often, but when we all get together, it's like time is erased and we're young again, each working hard to be the funniest and get the biggest laugh.

Weez, Liz, another friend Jill and I try to get together pretty frequently, but are always amazed at how difficult it is to get all of our schedules to work out so that we can see each other. We have 8 kids all together with lots of activities. I am the only divorced one out of this group and they have all been amazingly supportive to me from the beginning.

They always seem to know when I need them to shut up and just listen, and when I need them to make me laugh so hard I easily pee on myself. Nothing can break the bonds of old shoes. We've all been through ups and downs in our marriages and we all know there is no "perfect". We take trips and get away together as much as possible. We are our own little Ya-Ya group. I can say with all certainty that they have individually played a huge part in my journey after my divorce.

To your old shoes and your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Friendship And Divorce | Friendship | Divorce

Good Parenting Days

This morning, I dropped my kids off at school, then ran a couple of errands before I was supposed to work. I got a voicemail about 40 minutes after I dropped them off; it my son calling from his classroom. (How funny that kids can do that now - we didn't even have phones in our classes when I was in elementary school.) He was doing a presentation on his animal, the king cobra, in the computer lab this morning, and said "It would really mean a lot to me if you could come" in a quivering voice that I knew meant he was close to tears.

Of course, my mind started racing, thinking ok, how did I not know about this? Why didn't the teacher remind me, I didn't remember seeing a note from school last night, etc. Luckily I was close enough that I could make a detour to the school. I found his class in the computer lab and he hadn't had a turn yet at the smart board (also something so totally cool that kids have now that we didn't) to make his presentation. I was standing off to the side and was puzzled as to why there were no other parents in there.

He made his presentation and then came over to give me some hugs. He then whispered in my ear "I really really love you mom". I of course melted, and was so grateful I was able to be there for him, for whatever reason he thought he needed me there. (I found out that he was the only one who wanted to call his parent - for some reason it was important to him at that moment)

My schedule is pretty crazy and rarely do I have a flexible morning like today's. I know I made a difference to him this morning by just being there. There are a ton of days that I know I'm not there either physically or mentally, so knowing I got it right today is a big deal to me. I was able to make him feel secure and loved and to show him how important he was to me.

It seems like divorced parents often struggle with the guilt associated with what they've done to their family unit. The funny thing about kids is that it really doesn't take much effort on our part to show them how much we care. It isn't about fancy gifts or clothes, it's about making them feel safe and cared for all the time. I'm sure there are many days to come where I won't get it right, but today I did and that's enough for now.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Parenting And Divorce | Parenting

Focusing On Yourself

I got my daughter this book from American Girl Library titled, A Smart Girl's Guide To Boys. She's nine and isn't into boys, thank goodness. My theory is that the girls who have brothers don't seem too boy crazy at this age, but it's not a foolproof theory since I do know one or two of her friends with brothers who are boy crazy. I have heard good things about this book and thought she'd enjoy reading and we have had fun reading some of it together. If you have a daughter this age, I would highly recommend it.

Your happiness doesn’t depend on hitching yourself to the boy of your dreams. It depends on finding out what you love to do in the world, and doing it. Put your heart in you- in your hopes for the future, your plans for what you can do and create, experience and enjoy. It’ll make you strong and confident and ready for anything, including love.

Holy cow, these American Girl writers are geniuses! As someone who struggles with the feelings of failure that divorce nonetheless leaves you with, it really is imperative to figure out who you are as a female. To me, that above quote applies to girls of all ages.

My friend Lori and I talk often about how we really hope that our kids wait until they're a bit older to get married, instead of jumping into something right out of college. My thinking is 30 or older. It seems like it takes that long to try and figure out who you are. Looking back, I know a lot of people pressured into marriage because of a feeling that everyone else was getting married. L-A-M-O reason!

I had little idea who I was as a female at the age of 24 when I got married. I am finally figuring it out at 37 for goodness sakes and now know that my happiness doesn't depend upon someone else. That realization is a powerful thing and I just hope I can help my daughter to figure that out when she does start going bananas over boys.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Parenting After Divorce | Divorce | Divorce And Children

Kindness In Everyday Things

I was touched yesterday by my son's soccer coach. He's just a really good guy. My kids play on a church league, but we don't attend that particular church, so I also don't know many parents on my son's team.

Yesterday was a crazy day. Both of my kids had their last soccer games for the season and I was helping coordinate a wedding at my church. Coincidentally, my former spouse was out of town for the weekend, so his mom was hanging out with my kids.

There was a party planned for my son's team after their game, but my former mother-in-law couldn't take my son because she had to get my daughter to her game. The boys were apparently all excited after the game to go to the party and I'm told that it was pretty obvious how bummed out my son was that he couldn't go.

His coach walked up to my former mother-in-law and asked if my son could go with his family. She was grateful and obviously allowed him to go, exchanging cell phone numbers so that they could coordinate the pick-up.

I was able to stop by the restaurant when my wedding was over and hang out with my son, the coach, and his son. You could tell how much fun my son had been having and how much it meant to him to be allowed to be included in the festivities. I am grateful for people who see an occasion to show kindness and take it. My son wasn't left out and was actually made to feel really special. Thanks Andy for helping us!

Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Divorce And Parenting | Divorce And Kindness

Giggle More

Happiness is like a butterfly:
the more you chase it,
the more it will elude you.
But if you turn your attention
to other things,
it will come and sit softly on your shoulder... - Thoreau

Last week was crazy with the holiday, so I took a hiatus. I'm back.

Going through the crisis and chaos of divorce, one big thing that seems to be missing is laughter. There's just not that much to laugh about. I'm not talking about courteous chuckles, I'm talking hold yourself because you're going to pee, gut hurting, can't breathe, giggles.

I was tucking my son in a couple of days ago and was listening as he was saying his prayers. I think he farted, passed gas, tooted, whatever you want to call it, but it was loud, and I just started cracking up. Then he started in, and before we knew it, we were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. Then, every time we would try to get serious again, we would just start laughing again.

I miss that side of my life, and have worked really hard at finding laughter again. Most of the time, it's over something stupid, but just finding that humor in every day things when you're knee deep in crap isn't all that easy.

I think that's one of my favorite things that I have learned from my kids. They are masters at finding the funny and both have a great sense of humor. I'm working on stopping what I'm doing, paying attention, and joining them. Life just doesn't have to be that serious.

To your new life...

Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Live After Divorce | Divorce and Humor | Divorce and Parenting

Perception vs. Reality

Tonight was a perfect example of how communication is so important when co-parenting. My former spouse puts his first initial on the insides of the kids clothes that he buys. Not sure why it's so important to him, but it is. Anyway, he was convinced that I had a bunch of 'his' clothes at my house and wanted them back because there wasn't much for the kids to wear when they were at his place. I get that.

I went through things this morning and found a couple of things and put them into a bag for him to get when he picked up the kids this afternoon. I got a text message while he was out with the kids stating that there were a ton more clothes at my house still. That was obviously his perception.

To make things easy on myself, I just had him come into my house when he dropped off the kids this evening (he only had them for 3 hours) and go through closets to see what he was missing. The reality was that he only found about 4 more things. Not a 'ton'.

One quick sidebar, he had mentioned that he had asked my daughter to collect the clothes and he was frustrated that she hadn't done that. I was polite, but made sure that it was clear to him that it is not her job to take care of this type of stuff. It's ours as her parents. She doesn't need to be in the middle of clothing distribution.

Because there's always two sides to every divorce, perception and reality often get mixed up. It's our jobs as co-parents to clarify and resolve any confusion regarding both sides. When parents can work together, the kids are the big winners, for sure.

To your new life...

Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Co Parenting During Divorce | Divorce And Communication

Sister Support

Pictured here is my sister Amy (dressed like the tooth fairy) with my kids. It's from the Holiday Mart show in Kansas City where her company, Amy Lou Designs, had a booth selling tooth fairy pillows over this past weekend. The kids had a 4-day weekend, so we drove to Wichita to see my sister and her family on their farm. We stopped by the show in KC on the way home today and got a photo.

My kids love their Aunt Amy. She has four kids of her own, is a former school teacher and is absolutely at her best around kids. She has made it a point to be kind of a confidant to both of my kids, and they feel totally comfortable sharing with her how they're doing with the divorce. They know that they can share anything with her and she'll still love them.

Amy has been an unwavering support for me throughout my painful divorce process. She has listened to me cry, complain, grieve, bargain, despair, and all of the myriad of emotions that have lambasted me over the past two years. She always seems to know what to say and often knows when it's best not to say anything at all. Just knowing that I have someone as stable and constant as her at all times brings me comfort and peace.

Her life can get freakishly crazy also and we compliment each other in our support. Having someone that can call you on your crap, even when you can't admit it to yourself, is huge. So many times our friends tell us what we want to hear, and we are brutally honest with each other, like it or not. I am so grateful to have her on my side and as such a strong role model for my kids.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Sisters | Help During Divorce | Divorce

Try Something New

I love this picture! My friend Julie introduced me to the idea of trying new things. When she and her husband separated, her mom told her that she wanted Julie to constantly try new things and to always say yes to new opportunities. She's got a really supportive mom who offered to babysit at the drop of the hat if a new opportunity presented itself.

A couple months ago, I made a vision board for myself and found this great picture and I put it smack in the middle. Just looking at it reminds me that I've turned over a new leaf and am willing to try new things. My arms are wide open. So far, this year, I've started hiking, kayaking, spinning, dating, and writing a book. I can't wait to see what next year brings.

For some reason, I used to be a bit narrow-minded in my younger years and often turned down new opportunities for all kinds of reasons. I kind of settled with things and with myself. That old me is gone, probably left with my marriage and I like getting to know the new me. The one that's not scared to try something new, to take a leap.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Life After Divorce | Life

Having a Foster Husband

Having travelled to Chicago this past weekend with my friend Lori, I'm reminded about the importance that she's had in my life since my separation and divorce. We were good friends and business partners, but she became like a "foster husband" to me.

I turned to her when I was devastated that my marriage was over and I had to begin the task of finding an attorney, understand my financials, and all of the other major stuff that comes flooding at you when you are at your ultimate worst. I was drowning, and she was my reality life preserver. She had no idea what to do either, but, just knowing that I had her with me to deal with things was huge. We just kind of figured it out together.

We have travelled together for years and she's always had the role of the take charge, plan the trip, take care of business person and I'm always the along for the ride, go with the flow, funny one. Our friendship was already pretty solid.

I don't know what it would have been like for me to have gone through my separation and divorce without dear friends, family, and my foster husband. I guess there are people out there that don't feel comfortable letting people "in" and feeling the need to handle things on their own. That wasn't me. I needed lots of help and everywhere I turned, it seemed, someone was offering a helping hand. My friends and family have taught me a lot about unconditional love and being real.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Friendship And Divorce | Divorce Issues

It Takes a Village To Run the Chicago Marathon

I got back late last night from Chicago where I was watching my friend Julie run the Chicago Marathon. That's her in the picture. I went with my friend Lori and Liz. I'm sure most have heard what a crazy race that was with the heat and the race cancellation. Liz ran with her from mile 6 until around 19 and then Lori ran with her until the end of the race.

I was hanging with Julie's 9 year old daughter at mile 20 in Chinatown. The race officials were telling the runners that the race was cancelled, but we were further ahead of them and could see that people were still running and trying to finish the race and kept them posted by cell phone. So, Lori and Julie finished the marathon together while Julie's daughter watched her mom accomplish something really big.

Julie's hard a hard year personally and we are all so proud of her and what a great job she did! I was so glad that her mom and her daughters were there to see how courageous she was and how determined. She had trained really hard and was not going to leave Chicago without finishing that race. It felt great being a part of her team and the teamwork that was needed to help her get to the finish line.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Chicago Marathon | Divorce | Friendship

How Good Are You At Being Alone?

A good friend of mine was going through a divorce and he had commented to me that he was finding out that he wasn't any good at being alone. I acknowledged that fact and kind of thought, man, what's his problem, and boy does he need to do some work. Ironically, I have become keenly aware in the last week that I have not done the alone thing so well either (this realization was facilitated by my therapist).

Since I moved back home after college and lived with my parents for two years before I got married, I am now realizing, that I have never really lived on my own until now. I am pretty good at staying busy when my kids are with their dad and sometimes make so many plans to fill up my free time, that there is no time for just being alone. Now that I'm hyperfocusing on this topic, I'm also aware that if I'm alone in my house, I'm usually doing something to keep myself busy, like housework, yardwork, chatting on the phone, or watching TV. I'm not making time to just sit and reflect, do something creative and just be.

I have started leaving my iPod at home when I'm out exercising and have noticed that I am more at peace when I get home because I was alone with my thoughts and able to appreciate my surroundings. The facts are that divorce catapaults you into aloneness. So, how I deal with it is up to me.

Celebrating my alone time is something I now am working on. I'm not necessarily any good at it yet, but at least I'm making a conscious effort.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Being Alone | Divorce Recovery

Dating Advice

Sorry I haven't posted in a couple of days. Life got crazy. Here's an excerpt from someone who has posted a comment on dating from the yahoo chat group I'm in on divorce. Her code name is karenkaren651. Very wise woman...

One thing that I can pass along (or try to), to you guys whose pain
is still fresh. The last thing you should do is worry about the
next person. Who will want me? How can I trust again? Who will
want this single mom/dad with children that's too old ... too
young ... etc., etc.?

When you start thinking like that, you start looking for love in all
the wrong places. (sorry for the cliche.)

You can end up latching on the first person that shows you a little
love and attention, and either #1 get dumped on or used, or #2
finally wake up and realize you don't need someone new, once you get
over the pain, and end up hurting that new person.

The best thing you can do during a divorce is put away any ideas
of "who comes next?" and concentrate on YOU, YOUR life, your kids
(if you have them.) Focus on stuff you enjoy, learn how to live
alone without "needing" someone. Once you can get there, then you
are ready to move on with looking for another partner. Not before.

I hear about and see so many people who rush from their painful divorce into a relationship because they're scared to be alone. I get the need to fix the pain, but this is the wrong way to go about it. The work has to be done before you're ready to date, not after you're already into another relationship. By that point, the other person will serve as a distraction and you won't get your work done on you. You deserve that time for healing and introspection.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Dating | Dating After Divorce | Divorce | Divorce Advice

Me Time

I met with my therapist yesterday and one of the things we talked about was Me Time. We've been discussing this topic for a while and the fact that I never really focused on me very much during my marriage. I was busy taking care of kids, family, being a good friend and a wife. I kind of got lost in it all.

The thing about being divorced is that you suddenly are faced with a lot of alone time. If you're not used to it, then it can almost be something that you try and avoid because being alone can be painful. You start thinking a lot and then that can lead to self destructive thoughts and then you kind of spiral into this funky doom-like place.

The thing about therapy is that you work through a lot of your crap so that you're comfortable being by yourself, understanding who you are, and knowing how to turn negative thoughts into positive. A huge part of that work is learning how to take time for yourself, thus Me Time. She had found a cool weekly chart that had you check off when you were able to make time for yourself during the week. Kind of a reminder that you really need to do that throughout the day/week. Most of the ideas were simple ones, like reading a book, getting a coffee, taking a walk, for instance.

Because I am still learning how to have Me Time, I almost have to schedule it into my day and week. I went on a long walk with the dog this afternoon without my iPod so that I was in the moment of my surroundings and my thoughts. As no surprise, I came back refreshed and peaceful and feeling like I could handle the rest of my day. If you don't already do this, try it, you'll see.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Personal Time | Therapy

Where Do You Get Your Advice?

I seem to be referring to conversations with my lawyer a lot. I met with him today to interview him for a book I'm working on. We got on the topic of people not knowing who to listen to when they know they're going to get a divorce. They are so desperate for advice from anyone that they sometimes turn to the wrong people. His comments from today were...

"Choose your advisers. Everyone wants to give you advice either based on their own situation or their relatives situation, everyone has something to say. Every situation is different. There is no generic advice that can be given. Hook up with someone you trust and insist that they be straight with you. Rely upon our mom/friends for support and comfort, not legal advice."

Along the same lines, I was having a conversation with one of my dear friends about the importance of getting professional help (therapist) when you are dealing with a crisis because most therapists are totally objective. Your friends aren't. Our friends love us, support us, and help us to see the bright side of things (if they don't, run away from them), but they often don't tell us what we need to hear (in their defense, most of our friends aren't trained to know what to say), they tell us what we want to hear. That's what the professionals are for. We get advice from Dr.'s, lawyers and other professionals, and then we get to decide how to move forward with that information.

The thing with divorce is that it seems like everyone knows someone who has either been divorced or has a friend or relative who's been divorced. Everyone has stories and every one's story is really different. Knowing who to listen to and who not to is tricky, thus the need for professional advice.

So, this is probably a good time to re-evaluate where your advice is coming from and determine if you need a second, third, or fourth opinion.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Divorce Advice

Tips To Team Up With Your Child's Teacher

Tonight was conference night at my kids' school. They do conferences at the beginning of the year so that the parents get a chance to tell the teachers about their kids learning styles, behaviors, and whatever else is relevant to the classroom. Pictured with me is my daughter's teacher, Kelly Lauberth. She is a total stud and we have a lot in common.

One big lesson that I've learned is the importance of being my child's advocate. I am up at the school a lot and dialogue with their teachers frequently so that I can stay on top of how they are socially, academically, and emotionally at school. I know people that never talk to their kids teachers and have no idea really what's going on with them at school. They never go up and have lunch with them or see them playing with other kids.

A big reason for being my kid's advocate is the fact that my son has ADD (he is medicated). He has obvious behavior issues at school and I work with his teacher a lot to try to figure out how he's doing and what we can all do to make him more successful at school.

Today was a perfect example of the importance of us working as a team. My ex dropped my kids off early since he was heading out of town and then I took them to school. I asked my son if he took his medicine and he said no. I called his dad and he confirmed that he forgot to give it to him. So, I gave it to him, but knew that I had to tell the teacher because it wouldn't begin working for another hour and that affected how he acted in the classroom. She appreciated the heads-up.

So, here's my top 5 tips for teaming up with your kid's teachers...

1. Share your story with them. They need to know about your divorce/separation and how it affects your kids. It's also relevant to tell other teachers that work with your kids (PE, art, music). Try to just give facts not emotions.
   
2. Let the teachers know your parenting schedule. Mine changes every week because my FH (former husband) travels, so their night with them changes often. The teachers appreciate knowing who's with who, and when. It just makes things easier.
3. Show an interest in what's going on with your kids at school. Work in the classroom if you can, stop by in the mornings before school or after school, or send them emails if that's all you can do. The teachers will appreciate your willingness to partner with them.
4. Let them know when you see emotional changes in your kids, especially if they're sad or angry. Somehow that will eek over in their school day and the teacher will be prepared for it.
5. Don't trash your previous significant other to the teacher or in front of them. It just makes you look bad (even though it may feel good temporarily). It is not the teacher's responsibility to deal with your emotional crap.

I'm not an expert and I don't play one on TV, but I am learning a lot about being a divorced single mom, and appreciate all the advice I get from others who have been where I am.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Parenting | Parenting After Divorce | Working With Teachers | Divorce & Education

Accepting Your Lack Of Control Over the Other Parent

My daughter was extremely sad last night. We were getting ready for bed and discussing that she was going to her dad's house the next night. She made a face, then looked like she was going to cry. I questioned what was going on and finally was able to get out of her that she was sad that she isn't getting much attention from her dad at his house. (Her dad moved in with his girlfriend's family a couple of months ago and she has been really excited about it, so this information surprised me a bit.)

She said that when she goes over there that he spends a lot of their time together talking with the girlfriend or doing other things rather than spending it with her. She also said that she doesn't like it that he and his girlfriend go out on the nights she's with him.

I asked her if she could talk to her dad about this, and she said no. She was afraid it would hurt the girlfriend's feelings. So, my question was 'What can I do?' She wanted me to let her dad know how she feels. I told her what I thought she had said and made sure I had the words straight as to what she wanted me to pass on. I then sent her dad an email letting him know what she said.

I made it extremely clear to my daughter that I had no control over her dad and that just because I was passing on this information, I couldn't promise that things would change. My job was to listen, hug, sympathize, ground her and just be there for her. I couldn't fix this problem (even though I wish I could).

The fact is, I can't shield her from the pain of rejection she's feeling. I can't take the hurt away. I also have no impact anymore with her dad. He won't listen to me nor will he care what I have to say. Chances are, he read that email and thought that I prompted her as to what to say and nothing will change. None of that is my problem or in my control. I've let that go. I am grateful that my daughter can share her feelings so freely and that she can communicate so well. I will work hard to promote that.

I've heard many people say to me, "Oh, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of that" in regards to certain things that have come up in reference to my ex and his parenting. And, while I appreciate their concern, I can't do anything about it, so I've decided to let that go. There are too many things on a daily basis that I can do something about that I need to focus my energy on. I've accepted my situation for what it realistically is and know that I am doing the best job as a parent that I can. I can sleep at night knowing that. Moving forward is about accepting things and moving on with your life.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Parenting | Divorce

Wise Parenting Advice

Happy Kids

I made an appointment today to interview my lawyer, Alan Freed, for a book I'm writing and he reminded me of some good information he emailed me about, regarding co-parenting when divorced. I thought I'd share his comments below...

A wise friend of mine said something I now repeat to virtually all of my clients with children: A child is only as happy as his least happy parent. Those simple words should guide every action of a divorced parent towards the children's other parent. Getting "even" with the your ex- may give you momentary satisfaction but it doesn't accomplish any positive purpose for your children. Don't forget that, for better or worse, you will be in a continuing partnership with this person for many years to come and that the future of your children depends upon the success of that partnership.

The biggest losers of divorce are the children. No one asks them what they want, they're just along for the bumpy ride. The less bumpy the ride, the better. I often hear of couples who can't get a long and they put their children in the middle of things as a type of 'messenger' of information. This reminds me of a Bill of Rights that I received from a therapy group my kids were in, called Kids In the Middle. I've got my copy front and center and reminding me what my kid's rights are and that their happiness is crucial. I'm working on my happiness too.

Bill of Rights for Children of Divorce

• The right to express love for both parents
• The right not to be placed in the position of a message carrier.
• The right not to be asked to be the family spy
• The right not to be told negative information about their parent or parent’s family
• The right to remain connected to both parents’ families
• The right not to be interrogated after a visit with the other parent
• The right not to be used as a weapon against the other parent
• The right to remain active in both parents’ lives
• The right to express or not to express his or her own feelings
• The right not to be exposed to conflict with the other parent
• The right to a stable, safe environment
• The right to remain a child and not a parental confidant
• The right to be told about family changes, such as moving or visitation
• The right to not feel responsible for their parents’ divorce
• The right to be loved unconditionally

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Parenting During Divorce | Parenting Advice

Forgiveness

This is a topic that I am struggling with. As my therapist pointed out a while ago, it is a process that does not happen overnight or quickly. These prayers were given to me by my friend Lori. They're from the book Spirituality Simplified by Jeff Maziarek. She knows I'm not there yet, but thought I could hang on to them for the future. I'm ready for the second prayer and say that pretty easily. It's the other one I have trouble with in regards to my FH (former husband). It's not that I walk around with hate or anger, but forgiveness is a big deal. I'm settling with acceptance and thankfulness. That's enough for me for now. Thought I'd share...

Forgiveness Prayer
Awaken the Healer Within by Rich Work

From the Divine Love that flows within my Being,
I now call forth {insert name} to stand before me as
I stand before you-in Love. I ask now that you forgive me
as I forgive you. I embrace you in Love, and I thank you
for the lessons that we have shared, but I now choose
to release to the Light all the bonds between us
except those of unconditional love.
I bid you to go in peace. So be it!

Forgiving Yourself Prayer
The Angels Within Us by John Randolph Price

Spirit of the living God within my precious holy Self,
I totally and completely forgive myself for every thought,
feeling, word, deed of the past. I release everything to you,
all of my self-condemnation, all of my guilt, and all of my fear,
and I close the door on all that was yesterday.
As I forgive myself I know that I am forgiving all,
for I am everyone, and everyone is me,
and through the cleansing action of forgiveness
we are all wonderfully free.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Forgiveness | Divorce

House Rules

I had a truly proud moment as a mother this week. One of those moments where I know I'll remember where I was standing and what everyone was wearing. Where the cuteness of my child almost brought a tear to my eye... Ok, not really. My darling, angel-like seven year old son threw out the F bomb. At first, I wasn't sure if I had heard him correctly. I was busy doing the bazillion things that a busy single mom does in the mornings, to get myself and my kids ready for an amazing day, and he walked into the kitchen saying that the dog, was making an uck, uck, uck sound, just like F***, F***, F***. I looked at him and said "What did you say?" (Trying to be cool on the outside and totally flipping out inside) and he said, you know mom F***, and then proceeded to spell the word for me, just in case I didn't get it the first four times.

My child is the type of person that if I flip out about something, it gives it power and makes it a big deal, so in the effort to model my best Dr. Dobson parenting, I merely pointed out to my sweet foul mouthed angel that we don't say that word at mom's house.

I asked him where he had heard the word and he quickly responded "Dad's house". Another proud moment... Further questioning revealed that he had heard it from his dad's girlfriend's children who are 16ish and 10. According to my son, "They say it all the time". The good times just keep rolling!

So, this brings up and all too familiar issue with divorced parents and that is the subject of rule setting. My wise friend Ginny told me a long time ago that I needed to sit down with the kids when their dad moved out and give them the ground rules of my house. I pointed out to them that they are going to go to dad's and have different rules and that was ok.

I can't tell you how many times this topic of rule setting comes up. My kids are forever coming home from their dad's house and telling me how they're spending their money, all the new things they have there, etc. I simply and calmly point out that dad spends money differently at his house and now they're at my house. This rule covers bed time, TV, computer usage, and everything else that pertains to kids and what they may be doing between the two houses. They know that I know that I can't control what happens at dad's, but that things are very clear at my house.

My son has ADD and is constantly pushing boundaries. I know that he needs clear boundaries and rules set up and that is what I am providing for him. I'm sure I'll see the big payoff one day when my kids are normal functioning adults. At least, that's what any mom can hope for...

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Setting Rules for Children of Divorce | Divorce

Turning the Negative Into the Positive

It's time to make some changes. Out with the old negative talk and in with the new. I realized that I was probably attracting some negative energy with my use of profane language regarding my ex. I was an equal opportunity offender, any negative word would do. But, every time I said something negative about him or regarding him, I was actually attracting negative to me.

My friend LL kindly pointed out that using the word ex or X has a negative connotation, so I'm trying out FS (former spouse) or FH (former husband). I call him the kid's dad, but that doesn't always work in conversations. The word ex does have a wonderful sense of power and it feels really, really good to say sometimes, but like I said, I'm working on it.

I'll let you know how it goes...

To your new life...
Claire

Tags | Divorce | Former Husband

Legal Email Issues

I got an email from my lawyer today, Alan Freed, that had a great point regarding communicating with your STBX (soon to be ex) by email while you're going through the divorce. I thought I'd pass it on for those that it might help.

The best rule I know is to assume that every email you send will eventually be evidence in a court hearing. Therefore, make sure you READ your email before you hit the send button. For some folks this may mean printing the thing first and then reading it. If there is anything in the email you wouldn't want repeated in public, take it out. Limit the content to what needs to be communicated and cut out the negative commentary. It won't get you what you want anyway.

Everyone that knows me knows that email is my preferred form of communication with my FS (former spouse). I was diligent about saving emails while we were going through the divorce in case I needed them. I didn't since our case never went to court. Glad that I did anyway. Hope this helps.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Legal Issues With Divorce | Divorce Help

How To Be A Good Divorced Parent

First of all, my scope on this matter isn't all that broad, but I have talked to a lot of people and here's some tips that they gave me...

• Make smart choices about sleeping, eating, exercise and mental health. My neighbor's ex decided that he wanted out when she was pregnant with her second child. So, she basically raised both children by herself. The ex was not involved. When she found out I was divorcing, her advice was that I could raise healthy children of divorce if I was healthy in every aspect.
  
• Never argue with your ex in front of your kids. You will have to join the "fake it until you can make it" club and I know it's really difficult to not scream and yell at them, but your kids will be much happier if they don't see their parents rehashing their crap over and over. The favorite way for my ex and I to communicate is email. That way I can think about my reply before sending. I can be a hot-head, so it's the best for me.
• Allow your children to express their feelings, share experiences with the other parent and complain, if necessary. It was really hard for me to hear all of the stuff my kids were doing with my ex and his girlfriend, but my kids needed me to hear what they had to say. It wasn't about me, it was about them sharing. It's also hard when they complain that you're divorced or that they're mad at your for getting a divorce. The thing is, they are processing and need to get those thoughts out.
• Set up boundaries and rules at your house. My kids know that what's accepted at their dad's house isn't necessarily accepted at mine. We have rules about how we spend money, the words we use and how we treat each other. Kids are always trying to play one parent off of the other.
  
• Make sure you sit down with your kids and go over schedules and calendars. Divorce is confusing with two different houses and it helps give clarity to the kids to know their schedules a head of time.
• Make your house their home. Their bedrooms need to be filled with comfort items, pictures of both parents, family, pets, and things that make them feel safe.
  
• Share the silly with them. Whether it's dancing when they get home from their dad's, game night, movie night or some other thing you choose to do, make sure that they see the silly side of you because they're quite familiar with the serious side.
  

I've got a lot of work to do every day towards being the best parent I can be. I see a therapist every other week, and make sure to make myself a priority by making healthy choices.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Starting Over | Divorce Help

Two Sides to Every Divorce

For most of us, the pain, hurt, anger, disappointment, etc., tends to get in the way of thinking rationally when we are divorcing or divorced. A wise friend named Patty Cook gave me this advice in regards to taking sides or only listening to one side of someone's story. I thought it was very helpful and forward thinking.

Be very careful about getting too enrolled in one person's story - it takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to break one up, and personal responsibility goes a long way toward easing the pain, suffering and anger. After all, our own behavior is ultimately all we can control, anyway. When we buy into and feed another's shame, blame and justifications, we truly are not helping. Instead, we'd be better to encourage them to take a stand FOR something during the process.

For example, Bill and I have three things we stand for even though our marriage is over: Preservation of our friendship; love honor and respect the other; and to always hold the intention that BOTH of us come out on top. It is nothing short of miraculous what can take place when you come from a strong stand for something.

What your friend stands for will be different, perhaps, and what she stands for might be different than her husband's, but whatever values she chooses to stand for will guide her behavior, her actions and her reactions and lead to a more peacable divorce than being adversarial.

I couldn't have said it better.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Divorce Issues | Starting Over

Stopping the Assumptions

I was reminded today of one of my favorite books that I refer to all the time now, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. A friend told me about it when I was going through my divorce and involved in an Artist's Way group. The book was a little hard to get into, but once I did, it became a huge resource for me.

The four agreements are: Be Impeccable With Your Word, Don't Take Anything Personally, Don't Make Assumptions, & Always Do Your Best. I find myself facing issues daily that revolve around these agreements.

Today it was about making assumptions. I assumed something to be true, but once I started thinking about it, I needed to get clarification on it to make sure the person I was dealing with was on the same page also. We are all guilty of assuming way too much and it often bites us in the ass when we're dealing with our exes, co-workers and family, to name a few.

In the chapter about assumptions, Ruiz states, "When we make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing". I don't know about you, but that hits home with me.

If you don't have this book, it's a really big help for all of us and issues we face daily. It is masterful at putting things into perspective.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | The Four Agreements | Don Miguel Ruiz | Divorce

What this blog is about...

It's official. After a bit of technical difficulty, I am finally online and blogging to support all of us who have made it through a divorce or are getting divorced. This blog will flow out of my crazy life with my ex, things I've learned from others and lots of stories to share. The best advice I've gotten is from others who have lived and learned and are a lot smarter than me.

Topic for today...co-parenting annoyances.

My daughter came home from school today after having been with her dad last night. Quick sidebar - her dad lives with his girlfriend and her two kids. I was helping my daughter with her homework and noticed that both my ex and his girlfriend signed their names on the homework assignment page under Parent Signature. Obviously, it annoyed me b/c of the obvious. But, after a bit of thinking, who cares really. The teacher knows who my daughter's mom is and I know, so oh well if the girlfriend thought that she should sign.

Lesson learned...When I sit back and put some thought to why I'm feeling strange about things, it's for a small reason and not at all worth worrying about. Life is just too short.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Life After Divorce