My daughter was extremely sad last night. We were getting ready for bed and discussing that she was going to her dad's house the next night. She made a face, then looked like she was going to cry. I questioned what was going on and finally was able to get out of her that she was sad that she isn't getting much attention from her dad at his house. (Her dad moved in with his girlfriend's family a couple of months ago and she has been really excited about it, so this information surprised me a bit.)
She said that when she goes over there that he spends a lot of their time together talking with the girlfriend or doing other things rather than spending it with her. She also said that she doesn't like it that he and his girlfriend go out on the nights she's with him.
I asked her if she could talk to her dad about this, and she said no. She was afraid it would hurt the girlfriend's feelings. So, my question was 'What can I do?' She wanted me to let her dad know how she feels. I told her what I thought she had said and made sure I had the words straight as to what she wanted me to pass on. I then sent her dad an email letting him know what she said.
I made it extremely clear to my daughter that I had no control over her dad and that just because I was passing on this information, I couldn't promise that things would change. My job was to listen, hug, sympathize, ground her and just be there for her. I couldn't fix this problem (even though I wish I could).
The fact is, I can't shield her from the pain of rejection she's feeling. I can't take the hurt away. I also have no impact anymore with her dad. He won't listen to me nor will he care what I have to say. Chances are, he read that email and thought that I prompted her as to what to say and nothing will change. None of that is my problem or in my control. I've let that go. I am grateful that my daughter can share her feelings so freely and that she can communicate so well. I will work hard to promote that.
I've heard many people say to me, "Oh, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of that" in regards to certain things that have come up in reference to my ex and his parenting. And, while I appreciate their concern, I can't do anything about it, so I've decided to let that go. There are too many things on a daily basis that I can do something about that I need to focus my energy on. I've accepted my situation for what it realistically is and know that I am doing the best job as a parent that I can. I can sleep at night knowing that. Moving forward is about accepting things and moving on with your life.
To your new life...
Claire
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