Your Life After Divorce: Wise Parenting Advice

Happy Kids

I made an appointment today to interview my lawyer, Alan Freed, for a book I'm writing and he reminded me of some good information he emailed me about, regarding co-parenting when divorced. I thought I'd share his comments below...

A wise friend of mine said something I now repeat to virtually all of my clients with children: A child is only as happy as his least happy parent. Those simple words should guide every action of a divorced parent towards the children's other parent. Getting "even" with the your ex- may give you momentary satisfaction but it doesn't accomplish any positive purpose for your children. Don't forget that, for better or worse, you will be in a continuing partnership with this person for many years to come and that the future of your children depends upon the success of that partnership.

The biggest losers of divorce are the children. No one asks them what they want, they're just along for the bumpy ride. The less bumpy the ride, the better. I often hear of couples who can't get a long and they put their children in the middle of things as a type of 'messenger' of information. This reminds me of a Bill of Rights that I received from a therapy group my kids were in, called Kids In the Middle. I've got my copy front and center and reminding me what my kid's rights are and that their happiness is crucial. I'm working on my happiness too.

Bill of Rights for Children of Divorce

The right to express love for both parents
The right not to be placed in the position of a message carrier.
The right not to be asked to be the family spy
The right not to be told negative information about their parent or parent’s family
The right to remain connected to both parents’ families
The right not to be interrogated after a visit with the other parent
The right not to be used as a weapon against the other parent
The right to remain active in both parents’ lives
The right to express or not to express his or her own feelings
The right not to be exposed to conflict with the other parent
The right to a stable, safe environment
The right to remain a child and not a parental confidant
The right to be told about family changes, such as moving or visitation
The right to not feel responsible for their parents’ divorce
The right to be loved unconditionally