Me Time

I met with my therapist yesterday and one of the things we talked about was Me Time. We've been discussing this topic for a while and the fact that I never really focused on me very much during my marriage. I was busy taking care of kids, family, being a good friend and a wife. I kind of got lost in it all.

The thing about being divorced is that you suddenly are faced with a lot of alone time. If you're not used to it, then it can almost be something that you try and avoid because being alone can be painful. You start thinking a lot and then that can lead to self destructive thoughts and then you kind of spiral into this funky doom-like place.

The thing about therapy is that you work through a lot of your crap so that you're comfortable being by yourself, understanding who you are, and knowing how to turn negative thoughts into positive. A huge part of that work is learning how to take time for yourself, thus Me Time. She had found a cool weekly chart that had you check off when you were able to make time for yourself during the week. Kind of a reminder that you really need to do that throughout the day/week. Most of the ideas were simple ones, like reading a book, getting a coffee, taking a walk, for instance.

Because I am still learning how to have Me Time, I almost have to schedule it into my day and week. I went on a long walk with the dog this afternoon without my iPod so that I was in the moment of my surroundings and my thoughts. As no surprise, I came back refreshed and peaceful and feeling like I could handle the rest of my day. If you don't already do this, try it, you'll see.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Personal Time | Therapy

Where Do You Get Your Advice?

I seem to be referring to conversations with my lawyer a lot. I met with him today to interview him for a book I'm working on. We got on the topic of people not knowing who to listen to when they know they're going to get a divorce. They are so desperate for advice from anyone that they sometimes turn to the wrong people. His comments from today were...

"Choose your advisers. Everyone wants to give you advice either based on their own situation or their relatives situation, everyone has something to say. Every situation is different. There is no generic advice that can be given. Hook up with someone you trust and insist that they be straight with you. Rely upon our mom/friends for support and comfort, not legal advice."

Along the same lines, I was having a conversation with one of my dear friends about the importance of getting professional help (therapist) when you are dealing with a crisis because most therapists are totally objective. Your friends aren't. Our friends love us, support us, and help us to see the bright side of things (if they don't, run away from them), but they often don't tell us what we need to hear (in their defense, most of our friends aren't trained to know what to say), they tell us what we want to hear. That's what the professionals are for. We get advice from Dr.'s, lawyers and other professionals, and then we get to decide how to move forward with that information.

The thing with divorce is that it seems like everyone knows someone who has either been divorced or has a friend or relative who's been divorced. Everyone has stories and every one's story is really different. Knowing who to listen to and who not to is tricky, thus the need for professional advice.

So, this is probably a good time to re-evaluate where your advice is coming from and determine if you need a second, third, or fourth opinion.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Divorce Advice

Tips To Team Up With Your Child's Teacher

Tonight was conference night at my kids' school. They do conferences at the beginning of the year so that the parents get a chance to tell the teachers about their kids learning styles, behaviors, and whatever else is relevant to the classroom. Pictured with me is my daughter's teacher, Kelly Lauberth. She is a total stud and we have a lot in common.

One big lesson that I've learned is the importance of being my child's advocate. I am up at the school a lot and dialogue with their teachers frequently so that I can stay on top of how they are socially, academically, and emotionally at school. I know people that never talk to their kids teachers and have no idea really what's going on with them at school. They never go up and have lunch with them or see them playing with other kids.

A big reason for being my kid's advocate is the fact that my son has ADD (he is medicated). He has obvious behavior issues at school and I work with his teacher a lot to try to figure out how he's doing and what we can all do to make him more successful at school.

Today was a perfect example of the importance of us working as a team. My ex dropped my kids off early since he was heading out of town and then I took them to school. I asked my son if he took his medicine and he said no. I called his dad and he confirmed that he forgot to give it to him. So, I gave it to him, but knew that I had to tell the teacher because it wouldn't begin working for another hour and that affected how he acted in the classroom. She appreciated the heads-up.

So, here's my top 5 tips for teaming up with your kid's teachers...

1. Share your story with them. They need to know about your divorce/separation and how it affects your kids. It's also relevant to tell other teachers that work with your kids (PE, art, music). Try to just give facts not emotions.
   
2. Let the teachers know your parenting schedule. Mine changes every week because my FH (former husband) travels, so their night with them changes often. The teachers appreciate knowing who's with who, and when. It just makes things easier.
3. Show an interest in what's going on with your kids at school. Work in the classroom if you can, stop by in the mornings before school or after school, or send them emails if that's all you can do. The teachers will appreciate your willingness to partner with them.
4. Let them know when you see emotional changes in your kids, especially if they're sad or angry. Somehow that will eek over in their school day and the teacher will be prepared for it.
5. Don't trash your previous significant other to the teacher or in front of them. It just makes you look bad (even though it may feel good temporarily). It is not the teacher's responsibility to deal with your emotional crap.

I'm not an expert and I don't play one on TV, but I am learning a lot about being a divorced single mom, and appreciate all the advice I get from others who have been where I am.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Parenting | Parenting After Divorce | Working With Teachers | Divorce & Education

Accepting Your Lack Of Control Over the Other Parent

My daughter was extremely sad last night. We were getting ready for bed and discussing that she was going to her dad's house the next night. She made a face, then looked like she was going to cry. I questioned what was going on and finally was able to get out of her that she was sad that she isn't getting much attention from her dad at his house. (Her dad moved in with his girlfriend's family a couple of months ago and she has been really excited about it, so this information surprised me a bit.)

She said that when she goes over there that he spends a lot of their time together talking with the girlfriend or doing other things rather than spending it with her. She also said that she doesn't like it that he and his girlfriend go out on the nights she's with him.

I asked her if she could talk to her dad about this, and she said no. She was afraid it would hurt the girlfriend's feelings. So, my question was 'What can I do?' She wanted me to let her dad know how she feels. I told her what I thought she had said and made sure I had the words straight as to what she wanted me to pass on. I then sent her dad an email letting him know what she said.

I made it extremely clear to my daughter that I had no control over her dad and that just because I was passing on this information, I couldn't promise that things would change. My job was to listen, hug, sympathize, ground her and just be there for her. I couldn't fix this problem (even though I wish I could).

The fact is, I can't shield her from the pain of rejection she's feeling. I can't take the hurt away. I also have no impact anymore with her dad. He won't listen to me nor will he care what I have to say. Chances are, he read that email and thought that I prompted her as to what to say and nothing will change. None of that is my problem or in my control. I've let that go. I am grateful that my daughter can share her feelings so freely and that she can communicate so well. I will work hard to promote that.

I've heard many people say to me, "Oh, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of that" in regards to certain things that have come up in reference to my ex and his parenting. And, while I appreciate their concern, I can't do anything about it, so I've decided to let that go. There are too many things on a daily basis that I can do something about that I need to focus my energy on. I've accepted my situation for what it realistically is and know that I am doing the best job as a parent that I can. I can sleep at night knowing that. Moving forward is about accepting things and moving on with your life.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Parenting | Divorce

Wise Parenting Advice

Happy Kids

I made an appointment today to interview my lawyer, Alan Freed, for a book I'm writing and he reminded me of some good information he emailed me about, regarding co-parenting when divorced. I thought I'd share his comments below...

A wise friend of mine said something I now repeat to virtually all of my clients with children: A child is only as happy as his least happy parent. Those simple words should guide every action of a divorced parent towards the children's other parent. Getting "even" with the your ex- may give you momentary satisfaction but it doesn't accomplish any positive purpose for your children. Don't forget that, for better or worse, you will be in a continuing partnership with this person for many years to come and that the future of your children depends upon the success of that partnership.

The biggest losers of divorce are the children. No one asks them what they want, they're just along for the bumpy ride. The less bumpy the ride, the better. I often hear of couples who can't get a long and they put their children in the middle of things as a type of 'messenger' of information. This reminds me of a Bill of Rights that I received from a therapy group my kids were in, called Kids In the Middle. I've got my copy front and center and reminding me what my kid's rights are and that their happiness is crucial. I'm working on my happiness too.

Bill of Rights for Children of Divorce

• The right to express love for both parents
• The right not to be placed in the position of a message carrier.
• The right not to be asked to be the family spy
• The right not to be told negative information about their parent or parent’s family
• The right to remain connected to both parents’ families
• The right not to be interrogated after a visit with the other parent
• The right not to be used as a weapon against the other parent
• The right to remain active in both parents’ lives
• The right to express or not to express his or her own feelings
• The right not to be exposed to conflict with the other parent
• The right to a stable, safe environment
• The right to remain a child and not a parental confidant
• The right to be told about family changes, such as moving or visitation
• The right to not feel responsible for their parents’ divorce
• The right to be loved unconditionally

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Parenting During Divorce | Parenting Advice

Forgiveness

This is a topic that I am struggling with. As my therapist pointed out a while ago, it is a process that does not happen overnight or quickly. These prayers were given to me by my friend Lori. They're from the book Spirituality Simplified by Jeff Maziarek. She knows I'm not there yet, but thought I could hang on to them for the future. I'm ready for the second prayer and say that pretty easily. It's the other one I have trouble with in regards to my FH (former husband). It's not that I walk around with hate or anger, but forgiveness is a big deal. I'm settling with acceptance and thankfulness. That's enough for me for now. Thought I'd share...

Forgiveness Prayer
Awaken the Healer Within by Rich Work

From the Divine Love that flows within my Being,
I now call forth {insert name} to stand before me as
I stand before you-in Love. I ask now that you forgive me
as I forgive you. I embrace you in Love, and I thank you
for the lessons that we have shared, but I now choose
to release to the Light all the bonds between us
except those of unconditional love.
I bid you to go in peace. So be it!

Forgiving Yourself Prayer
The Angels Within Us by John Randolph Price

Spirit of the living God within my precious holy Self,
I totally and completely forgive myself for every thought,
feeling, word, deed of the past. I release everything to you,
all of my self-condemnation, all of my guilt, and all of my fear,
and I close the door on all that was yesterday.
As I forgive myself I know that I am forgiving all,
for I am everyone, and everyone is me,
and through the cleansing action of forgiveness
we are all wonderfully free.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Forgiveness | Divorce

House Rules

I had a truly proud moment as a mother this week. One of those moments where I know I'll remember where I was standing and what everyone was wearing. Where the cuteness of my child almost brought a tear to my eye... Ok, not really. My darling, angel-like seven year old son threw out the F bomb. At first, I wasn't sure if I had heard him correctly. I was busy doing the bazillion things that a busy single mom does in the mornings, to get myself and my kids ready for an amazing day, and he walked into the kitchen saying that the dog, was making an uck, uck, uck sound, just like F***, F***, F***. I looked at him and said "What did you say?" (Trying to be cool on the outside and totally flipping out inside) and he said, you know mom F***, and then proceeded to spell the word for me, just in case I didn't get it the first four times.

My child is the type of person that if I flip out about something, it gives it power and makes it a big deal, so in the effort to model my best Dr. Dobson parenting, I merely pointed out to my sweet foul mouthed angel that we don't say that word at mom's house.

I asked him where he had heard the word and he quickly responded "Dad's house". Another proud moment... Further questioning revealed that he had heard it from his dad's girlfriend's children who are 16ish and 10. According to my son, "They say it all the time". The good times just keep rolling!

So, this brings up and all too familiar issue with divorced parents and that is the subject of rule setting. My wise friend Ginny told me a long time ago that I needed to sit down with the kids when their dad moved out and give them the ground rules of my house. I pointed out to them that they are going to go to dad's and have different rules and that was ok.

I can't tell you how many times this topic of rule setting comes up. My kids are forever coming home from their dad's house and telling me how they're spending their money, all the new things they have there, etc. I simply and calmly point out that dad spends money differently at his house and now they're at my house. This rule covers bed time, TV, computer usage, and everything else that pertains to kids and what they may be doing between the two houses. They know that I know that I can't control what happens at dad's, but that things are very clear at my house.

My son has ADD and is constantly pushing boundaries. I know that he needs clear boundaries and rules set up and that is what I am providing for him. I'm sure I'll see the big payoff one day when my kids are normal functioning adults. At least, that's what any mom can hope for...

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Setting Rules for Children of Divorce | Divorce

Turning the Negative Into the Positive

It's time to make some changes. Out with the old negative talk and in with the new. I realized that I was probably attracting some negative energy with my use of profane language regarding my ex. I was an equal opportunity offender, any negative word would do. But, every time I said something negative about him or regarding him, I was actually attracting negative to me.

My friend LL kindly pointed out that using the word ex or X has a negative connotation, so I'm trying out FS (former spouse) or FH (former husband). I call him the kid's dad, but that doesn't always work in conversations. The word ex does have a wonderful sense of power and it feels really, really good to say sometimes, but like I said, I'm working on it.

I'll let you know how it goes...

To your new life...
Claire

Tags | Divorce | Former Husband

Legal Email Issues

I got an email from my lawyer today, Alan Freed, that had a great point regarding communicating with your STBX (soon to be ex) by email while you're going through the divorce. I thought I'd pass it on for those that it might help.

The best rule I know is to assume that every email you send will eventually be evidence in a court hearing. Therefore, make sure you READ your email before you hit the send button. For some folks this may mean printing the thing first and then reading it. If there is anything in the email you wouldn't want repeated in public, take it out. Limit the content to what needs to be communicated and cut out the negative commentary. It won't get you what you want anyway.

Everyone that knows me knows that email is my preferred form of communication with my FS (former spouse). I was diligent about saving emails while we were going through the divorce in case I needed them. I didn't since our case never went to court. Glad that I did anyway. Hope this helps.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Legal Issues With Divorce | Divorce Help

How To Be A Good Divorced Parent

First of all, my scope on this matter isn't all that broad, but I have talked to a lot of people and here's some tips that they gave me...

• Make smart choices about sleeping, eating, exercise and mental health. My neighbor's ex decided that he wanted out when she was pregnant with her second child. So, she basically raised both children by herself. The ex was not involved. When she found out I was divorcing, her advice was that I could raise healthy children of divorce if I was healthy in every aspect.
  
• Never argue with your ex in front of your kids. You will have to join the "fake it until you can make it" club and I know it's really difficult to not scream and yell at them, but your kids will be much happier if they don't see their parents rehashing their crap over and over. The favorite way for my ex and I to communicate is email. That way I can think about my reply before sending. I can be a hot-head, so it's the best for me.
• Allow your children to express their feelings, share experiences with the other parent and complain, if necessary. It was really hard for me to hear all of the stuff my kids were doing with my ex and his girlfriend, but my kids needed me to hear what they had to say. It wasn't about me, it was about them sharing. It's also hard when they complain that you're divorced or that they're mad at your for getting a divorce. The thing is, they are processing and need to get those thoughts out.
• Set up boundaries and rules at your house. My kids know that what's accepted at their dad's house isn't necessarily accepted at mine. We have rules about how we spend money, the words we use and how we treat each other. Kids are always trying to play one parent off of the other.
  
• Make sure you sit down with your kids and go over schedules and calendars. Divorce is confusing with two different houses and it helps give clarity to the kids to know their schedules a head of time.
• Make your house their home. Their bedrooms need to be filled with comfort items, pictures of both parents, family, pets, and things that make them feel safe.
  
• Share the silly with them. Whether it's dancing when they get home from their dad's, game night, movie night or some other thing you choose to do, make sure that they see the silly side of you because they're quite familiar with the serious side.
  

I've got a lot of work to do every day towards being the best parent I can be. I see a therapist every other week, and make sure to make myself a priority by making healthy choices.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Starting Over | Divorce Help

Two Sides to Every Divorce

For most of us, the pain, hurt, anger, disappointment, etc., tends to get in the way of thinking rationally when we are divorcing or divorced. A wise friend named Patty Cook gave me this advice in regards to taking sides or only listening to one side of someone's story. I thought it was very helpful and forward thinking.

Be very careful about getting too enrolled in one person's story - it takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to break one up, and personal responsibility goes a long way toward easing the pain, suffering and anger. After all, our own behavior is ultimately all we can control, anyway. When we buy into and feed another's shame, blame and justifications, we truly are not helping. Instead, we'd be better to encourage them to take a stand FOR something during the process.

For example, Bill and I have three things we stand for even though our marriage is over: Preservation of our friendship; love honor and respect the other; and to always hold the intention that BOTH of us come out on top. It is nothing short of miraculous what can take place when you come from a strong stand for something.

What your friend stands for will be different, perhaps, and what she stands for might be different than her husband's, but whatever values she chooses to stand for will guide her behavior, her actions and her reactions and lead to a more peacable divorce than being adversarial.

I couldn't have said it better.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Divorce Issues | Starting Over

Stopping the Assumptions

I was reminded today of one of my favorite books that I refer to all the time now, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. A friend told me about it when I was going through my divorce and involved in an Artist's Way group. The book was a little hard to get into, but once I did, it became a huge resource for me.

The four agreements are: Be Impeccable With Your Word, Don't Take Anything Personally, Don't Make Assumptions, & Always Do Your Best. I find myself facing issues daily that revolve around these agreements.

Today it was about making assumptions. I assumed something to be true, but once I started thinking about it, I needed to get clarification on it to make sure the person I was dealing with was on the same page also. We are all guilty of assuming way too much and it often bites us in the ass when we're dealing with our exes, co-workers and family, to name a few.

In the chapter about assumptions, Ruiz states, "When we make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing". I don't know about you, but that hits home with me.

If you don't have this book, it's a really big help for all of us and issues we face daily. It is masterful at putting things into perspective.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | The Four Agreements | Don Miguel Ruiz | Divorce