Perception vs. Reality

Tonight was a perfect example of how communication is so important when co-parenting. My former spouse puts his first initial on the insides of the kids clothes that he buys. Not sure why it's so important to him, but it is. Anyway, he was convinced that I had a bunch of 'his' clothes at my house and wanted them back because there wasn't much for the kids to wear when they were at his place. I get that.

I went through things this morning and found a couple of things and put them into a bag for him to get when he picked up the kids this afternoon. I got a text message while he was out with the kids stating that there were a ton more clothes at my house still. That was obviously his perception.

To make things easy on myself, I just had him come into my house when he dropped off the kids this evening (he only had them for 3 hours) and go through closets to see what he was missing. The reality was that he only found about 4 more things. Not a 'ton'.

One quick sidebar, he had mentioned that he had asked my daughter to collect the clothes and he was frustrated that she hadn't done that. I was polite, but made sure that it was clear to him that it is not her job to take care of this type of stuff. It's ours as her parents. She doesn't need to be in the middle of clothing distribution.

Because there's always two sides to every divorce, perception and reality often get mixed up. It's our jobs as co-parents to clarify and resolve any confusion regarding both sides. When parents can work together, the kids are the big winners, for sure.

To your new life...

Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Co Parenting During Divorce | Divorce And Communication

Sister Support

Pictured here is my sister Amy (dressed like the tooth fairy) with my kids. It's from the Holiday Mart show in Kansas City where her company, Amy Lou Designs, had a booth selling tooth fairy pillows over this past weekend. The kids had a 4-day weekend, so we drove to Wichita to see my sister and her family on their farm. We stopped by the show in KC on the way home today and got a photo.

My kids love their Aunt Amy. She has four kids of her own, is a former school teacher and is absolutely at her best around kids. She has made it a point to be kind of a confidant to both of my kids, and they feel totally comfortable sharing with her how they're doing with the divorce. They know that they can share anything with her and she'll still love them.

Amy has been an unwavering support for me throughout my painful divorce process. She has listened to me cry, complain, grieve, bargain, despair, and all of the myriad of emotions that have lambasted me over the past two years. She always seems to know what to say and often knows when it's best not to say anything at all. Just knowing that I have someone as stable and constant as her at all times brings me comfort and peace.

Her life can get freakishly crazy also and we compliment each other in our support. Having someone that can call you on your crap, even when you can't admit it to yourself, is huge. So many times our friends tell us what we want to hear, and we are brutally honest with each other, like it or not. I am so grateful to have her on my side and as such a strong role model for my kids.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Sisters | Help During Divorce | Divorce

Try Something New

I love this picture! My friend Julie introduced me to the idea of trying new things. When she and her husband separated, her mom told her that she wanted Julie to constantly try new things and to always say yes to new opportunities. She's got a really supportive mom who offered to babysit at the drop of the hat if a new opportunity presented itself.

A couple months ago, I made a vision board for myself and found this great picture and I put it smack in the middle. Just looking at it reminds me that I've turned over a new leaf and am willing to try new things. My arms are wide open. So far, this year, I've started hiking, kayaking, spinning, dating, and writing a book. I can't wait to see what next year brings.

For some reason, I used to be a bit narrow-minded in my younger years and often turned down new opportunities for all kinds of reasons. I kind of settled with things and with myself. That old me is gone, probably left with my marriage and I like getting to know the new me. The one that's not scared to try something new, to take a leap.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Life After Divorce | Life

Having a Foster Husband

Having travelled to Chicago this past weekend with my friend Lori, I'm reminded about the importance that she's had in my life since my separation and divorce. We were good friends and business partners, but she became like a "foster husband" to me.

I turned to her when I was devastated that my marriage was over and I had to begin the task of finding an attorney, understand my financials, and all of the other major stuff that comes flooding at you when you are at your ultimate worst. I was drowning, and she was my reality life preserver. She had no idea what to do either, but, just knowing that I had her with me to deal with things was huge. We just kind of figured it out together.

We have travelled together for years and she's always had the role of the take charge, plan the trip, take care of business person and I'm always the along for the ride, go with the flow, funny one. Our friendship was already pretty solid.

I don't know what it would have been like for me to have gone through my separation and divorce without dear friends, family, and my foster husband. I guess there are people out there that don't feel comfortable letting people "in" and feeling the need to handle things on their own. That wasn't me. I needed lots of help and everywhere I turned, it seemed, someone was offering a helping hand. My friends and family have taught me a lot about unconditional love and being real.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Friendship And Divorce | Divorce Issues

It Takes a Village To Run the Chicago Marathon

I got back late last night from Chicago where I was watching my friend Julie run the Chicago Marathon. That's her in the picture. I went with my friend Lori and Liz. I'm sure most have heard what a crazy race that was with the heat and the race cancellation. Liz ran with her from mile 6 until around 19 and then Lori ran with her until the end of the race.

I was hanging with Julie's 9 year old daughter at mile 20 in Chinatown. The race officials were telling the runners that the race was cancelled, but we were further ahead of them and could see that people were still running and trying to finish the race and kept them posted by cell phone. So, Lori and Julie finished the marathon together while Julie's daughter watched her mom accomplish something really big.

Julie's hard a hard year personally and we are all so proud of her and what a great job she did! I was so glad that her mom and her daughters were there to see how courageous she was and how determined. She had trained really hard and was not going to leave Chicago without finishing that race. It felt great being a part of her team and the teamwork that was needed to help her get to the finish line.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Chicago Marathon | Divorce | Friendship

How Good Are You At Being Alone?

A good friend of mine was going through a divorce and he had commented to me that he was finding out that he wasn't any good at being alone. I acknowledged that fact and kind of thought, man, what's his problem, and boy does he need to do some work. Ironically, I have become keenly aware in the last week that I have not done the alone thing so well either (this realization was facilitated by my therapist).

Since I moved back home after college and lived with my parents for two years before I got married, I am now realizing, that I have never really lived on my own until now. I am pretty good at staying busy when my kids are with their dad and sometimes make so many plans to fill up my free time, that there is no time for just being alone. Now that I'm hyperfocusing on this topic, I'm also aware that if I'm alone in my house, I'm usually doing something to keep myself busy, like housework, yardwork, chatting on the phone, or watching TV. I'm not making time to just sit and reflect, do something creative and just be.

I have started leaving my iPod at home when I'm out exercising and have noticed that I am more at peace when I get home because I was alone with my thoughts and able to appreciate my surroundings. The facts are that divorce catapaults you into aloneness. So, how I deal with it is up to me.

Celebrating my alone time is something I now am working on. I'm not necessarily any good at it yet, but at least I'm making a conscious effort.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Being Alone | Divorce Recovery

Dating Advice

Sorry I haven't posted in a couple of days. Life got crazy. Here's an excerpt from someone who has posted a comment on dating from the yahoo chat group I'm in on divorce. Her code name is karenkaren651. Very wise woman...

One thing that I can pass along (or try to), to you guys whose pain
is still fresh. The last thing you should do is worry about the
next person. Who will want me? How can I trust again? Who will
want this single mom/dad with children that's too old ... too
young ... etc., etc.?

When you start thinking like that, you start looking for love in all
the wrong places. (sorry for the cliche.)

You can end up latching on the first person that shows you a little
love and attention, and either #1 get dumped on or used, or #2
finally wake up and realize you don't need someone new, once you get
over the pain, and end up hurting that new person.

The best thing you can do during a divorce is put away any ideas
of "who comes next?" and concentrate on YOU, YOUR life, your kids
(if you have them.) Focus on stuff you enjoy, learn how to live
alone without "needing" someone. Once you can get there, then you
are ready to move on with looking for another partner. Not before.

I hear about and see so many people who rush from their painful divorce into a relationship because they're scared to be alone. I get the need to fix the pain, but this is the wrong way to go about it. The work has to be done before you're ready to date, not after you're already into another relationship. By that point, the other person will serve as a distraction and you won't get your work done on you. You deserve that time for healing and introspection.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Dating | Dating After Divorce | Divorce | Divorce Advice