Focusing On Yourself

I got my daughter this book from American Girl Library titled, A Smart Girl's Guide To Boys. She's nine and isn't into boys, thank goodness. My theory is that the girls who have brothers don't seem too boy crazy at this age, but it's not a foolproof theory since I do know one or two of her friends with brothers who are boy crazy. I have heard good things about this book and thought she'd enjoy reading and we have had fun reading some of it together. If you have a daughter this age, I would highly recommend it.

Your happiness doesn’t depend on hitching yourself to the boy of your dreams. It depends on finding out what you love to do in the world, and doing it. Put your heart in you- in your hopes for the future, your plans for what you can do and create, experience and enjoy. It’ll make you strong and confident and ready for anything, including love.

Holy cow, these American Girl writers are geniuses! As someone who struggles with the feelings of failure that divorce nonetheless leaves you with, it really is imperative to figure out who you are as a female. To me, that above quote applies to girls of all ages.

My friend Lori and I talk often about how we really hope that our kids wait until they're a bit older to get married, instead of jumping into something right out of college. My thinking is 30 or older. It seems like it takes that long to try and figure out who you are. Looking back, I know a lot of people pressured into marriage because of a feeling that everyone else was getting married. L-A-M-O reason!

I had little idea who I was as a female at the age of 24 when I got married. I am finally figuring it out at 37 for goodness sakes and now know that my happiness doesn't depend upon someone else. That realization is a powerful thing and I just hope I can help my daughter to figure that out when she does start going bananas over boys.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Parenting After Divorce | Divorce | Divorce And Children

Kindness In Everyday Things

I was touched yesterday by my son's soccer coach. He's just a really good guy. My kids play on a church league, but we don't attend that particular church, so I also don't know many parents on my son's team.

Yesterday was a crazy day. Both of my kids had their last soccer games for the season and I was helping coordinate a wedding at my church. Coincidentally, my former spouse was out of town for the weekend, so his mom was hanging out with my kids.

There was a party planned for my son's team after their game, but my former mother-in-law couldn't take my son because she had to get my daughter to her game. The boys were apparently all excited after the game to go to the party and I'm told that it was pretty obvious how bummed out my son was that he couldn't go.

His coach walked up to my former mother-in-law and asked if my son could go with his family. She was grateful and obviously allowed him to go, exchanging cell phone numbers so that they could coordinate the pick-up.

I was able to stop by the restaurant when my wedding was over and hang out with my son, the coach, and his son. You could tell how much fun my son had been having and how much it meant to him to be allowed to be included in the festivities. I am grateful for people who see an occasion to show kindness and take it. My son wasn't left out and was actually made to feel really special. Thanks Andy for helping us!

Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Divorce And Parenting | Divorce And Kindness

Giggle More

Happiness is like a butterfly:
the more you chase it,
the more it will elude you.
But if you turn your attention
to other things,
it will come and sit softly on your shoulder... - Thoreau

Last week was crazy with the holiday, so I took a hiatus. I'm back.

Going through the crisis and chaos of divorce, one big thing that seems to be missing is laughter. There's just not that much to laugh about. I'm not talking about courteous chuckles, I'm talking hold yourself because you're going to pee, gut hurting, can't breathe, giggles.

I was tucking my son in a couple of days ago and was listening as he was saying his prayers. I think he farted, passed gas, tooted, whatever you want to call it, but it was loud, and I just started cracking up. Then he started in, and before we knew it, we were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. Then, every time we would try to get serious again, we would just start laughing again.

I miss that side of my life, and have worked really hard at finding laughter again. Most of the time, it's over something stupid, but just finding that humor in every day things when you're knee deep in crap isn't all that easy.

I think that's one of my favorite things that I have learned from my kids. They are masters at finding the funny and both have a great sense of humor. I'm working on stopping what I'm doing, paying attention, and joining them. Life just doesn't have to be that serious.

To your new life...

Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Live After Divorce | Divorce and Humor | Divorce and Parenting

Accepting Your Lack Of Control Over the Other Parent

My daughter was extremely sad last night. We were getting ready for bed and discussing that she was going to her dad's house the next night. She made a face, then looked like she was going to cry. I questioned what was going on and finally was able to get out of her that she was sad that she isn't getting much attention from her dad at his house. (Her dad moved in with his girlfriend's family a couple of months ago and she has been really excited about it, so this information surprised me a bit.)

She said that when she goes over there that he spends a lot of their time together talking with the girlfriend or doing other things rather than spending it with her. She also said that she doesn't like it that he and his girlfriend go out on the nights she's with him.

I asked her if she could talk to her dad about this, and she said no. She was afraid it would hurt the girlfriend's feelings. So, my question was 'What can I do?' She wanted me to let her dad know how she feels. I told her what I thought she had said and made sure I had the words straight as to what she wanted me to pass on. I then sent her dad an email letting him know what she said.

I made it extremely clear to my daughter that I had no control over her dad and that just because I was passing on this information, I couldn't promise that things would change. My job was to listen, hug, sympathize, ground her and just be there for her. I couldn't fix this problem (even though I wish I could).

The fact is, I can't shield her from the pain of rejection she's feeling. I can't take the hurt away. I also have no impact anymore with her dad. He won't listen to me nor will he care what I have to say. Chances are, he read that email and thought that I prompted her as to what to say and nothing will change. None of that is my problem or in my control. I've let that go. I am grateful that my daughter can share her feelings so freely and that she can communicate so well. I will work hard to promote that.

I've heard many people say to me, "Oh, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of that" in regards to certain things that have come up in reference to my ex and his parenting. And, while I appreciate their concern, I can't do anything about it, so I've decided to let that go. There are too many things on a daily basis that I can do something about that I need to focus my energy on. I've accepted my situation for what it realistically is and know that I am doing the best job as a parent that I can. I can sleep at night knowing that. Moving forward is about accepting things and moving on with your life.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Parenting | Divorce

Wise Parenting Advice

Happy Kids

I made an appointment today to interview my lawyer, Alan Freed, for a book I'm writing and he reminded me of some good information he emailed me about, regarding co-parenting when divorced. I thought I'd share his comments below...

A wise friend of mine said something I now repeat to virtually all of my clients with children: A child is only as happy as his least happy parent. Those simple words should guide every action of a divorced parent towards the children's other parent. Getting "even" with the your ex- may give you momentary satisfaction but it doesn't accomplish any positive purpose for your children. Don't forget that, for better or worse, you will be in a continuing partnership with this person for many years to come and that the future of your children depends upon the success of that partnership.

The biggest losers of divorce are the children. No one asks them what they want, they're just along for the bumpy ride. The less bumpy the ride, the better. I often hear of couples who can't get a long and they put their children in the middle of things as a type of 'messenger' of information. This reminds me of a Bill of Rights that I received from a therapy group my kids were in, called Kids In the Middle. I've got my copy front and center and reminding me what my kid's rights are and that their happiness is crucial. I'm working on my happiness too.

Bill of Rights for Children of Divorce

• The right to express love for both parents
• The right not to be placed in the position of a message carrier.
• The right not to be asked to be the family spy
• The right not to be told negative information about their parent or parent’s family
• The right to remain connected to both parents’ families
• The right not to be interrogated after a visit with the other parent
• The right not to be used as a weapon against the other parent
• The right to remain active in both parents’ lives
• The right to express or not to express his or her own feelings
• The right not to be exposed to conflict with the other parent
• The right to a stable, safe environment
• The right to remain a child and not a parental confidant
• The right to be told about family changes, such as moving or visitation
• The right to not feel responsible for their parents’ divorce
• The right to be loved unconditionally

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Parenting During Divorce | Parenting Advice

House Rules

I had a truly proud moment as a mother this week. One of those moments where I know I'll remember where I was standing and what everyone was wearing. Where the cuteness of my child almost brought a tear to my eye... Ok, not really. My darling, angel-like seven year old son threw out the F bomb. At first, I wasn't sure if I had heard him correctly. I was busy doing the bazillion things that a busy single mom does in the mornings, to get myself and my kids ready for an amazing day, and he walked into the kitchen saying that the dog, was making an uck, uck, uck sound, just like F***, F***, F***. I looked at him and said "What did you say?" (Trying to be cool on the outside and totally flipping out inside) and he said, you know mom F***, and then proceeded to spell the word for me, just in case I didn't get it the first four times.

My child is the type of person that if I flip out about something, it gives it power and makes it a big deal, so in the effort to model my best Dr. Dobson parenting, I merely pointed out to my sweet foul mouthed angel that we don't say that word at mom's house.

I asked him where he had heard the word and he quickly responded "Dad's house". Another proud moment... Further questioning revealed that he had heard it from his dad's girlfriend's children who are 16ish and 10. According to my son, "They say it all the time". The good times just keep rolling!

So, this brings up and all too familiar issue with divorced parents and that is the subject of rule setting. My wise friend Ginny told me a long time ago that I needed to sit down with the kids when their dad moved out and give them the ground rules of my house. I pointed out to them that they are going to go to dad's and have different rules and that was ok.

I can't tell you how many times this topic of rule setting comes up. My kids are forever coming home from their dad's house and telling me how they're spending their money, all the new things they have there, etc. I simply and calmly point out that dad spends money differently at his house and now they're at my house. This rule covers bed time, TV, computer usage, and everything else that pertains to kids and what they may be doing between the two houses. They know that I know that I can't control what happens at dad's, but that things are very clear at my house.

My son has ADD and is constantly pushing boundaries. I know that he needs clear boundaries and rules set up and that is what I am providing for him. I'm sure I'll see the big payoff one day when my kids are normal functioning adults. At least, that's what any mom can hope for...

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Setting Rules for Children of Divorce | Divorce