Timing Is Everything

Happy New Year! I hope you are ready to start a new year full of opportunities to change, grow and improve. One thing that showed up a lot for me in 2007 was the fact that there really is a time in life for everything. It's all about timing. I have struggled with patience a lot in 2007 and know it will be something I'll have to put a lot of energy into in 2008. I want what I want, when I want it, and it's usually that I wanted it yesterday. This applies for me both personally and professionally.

My therapist has been instrumental in helping to slow me down and appreciate things daily instead of always wishing things away. She has helped me through guided meditation and I look forward to looking more to meditation this year. My friend Lori gave me a great CD on beginners meditation that I put on my iPod and I've found that really helpful in calming myself when I'm anxious.

My neighbor is going through a divorce. He was sharing with another neighbor and I about his experience dating this past year. He knew that the relationship was not going to develop into anything meaningful, but was just having fun. The woman made mention a couple of times about "taking things to the next level" and he knew it was time to end things. His comment about knowing himself and where he was in the divorce growth process was that he knew that he still had "self indulgence and bad decision making" to get out of his system. I thought that was really funny yet totally appropriate. He knew the timing was off and that he wasn't ready.

Opening ourselves up to new opportunities and allowing life to unfold versus trying to force things is vital to healthy growth.

To your new life...

Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Life After Divorce | Divorce And Relationships | Divorce And Growth

2008 Goals

I haven't posted in a bit. I was in a holiday funk. Now I'm focusing towards 2008 and all that it will bring. My friend Leslie and I are hanging out tonight for New Year's Eve. My former spouse has the kids and so does hers. The highlight of our evening is to do a little bit of goal setting for 2008.

I went to a speaking event given by James Ray this year and he talked about 5 areas of your life that all need to be given attention and energy so that they can be in harmony. They are:

• Financial
• Relational (self & others)
• Intellectual (mental & emotional)
• Physical (body & tangible)
• Spiritual (one on one relationship with a creative source)

He said at his program that if your life is in perfect balance, nothing will happen. Harmony is more achievable.

So, tonight, we're going to set some goals for ourselves related to all of these areas of our life. I'm ready to get clear on what I want so that I can work towards my personal goals in 2008.

My hope is that 2008 brings you personal peace and continuous growth.

To your new life...

Claire

Tags: | Divorce | James Ray | New Years Resolutions | Goal Setting

Acknowleging Is The First Step

The photo of my kids and I at the top left of the blog is our Christmas photo from last year. My divorce was final last November (2006) and it was important to me that I had a photo of our new family of three to send out. I hadn't sent any Christmas cards the year before because I was just too involved in my personal crisis.

I went onto Shutterfly last night and ordered our cards for this year. It had been on my mind and I'm into easy and love doing things from home. Now I can check that off my list (don't you just love checking things off of lists!). As I was downloading photos and deciding which pix would make the cut this year, my daughter walked up and pointed out that she and my son needed to wear their North Face jackets when they went with dad on Friday this week so that they could take their Christmas picture.

Of course, that struck me as just plain weird since their dad moved in with this woman in May and they have been dating a little over a year. Now, they're sending out these family photos like they are this married couple. I'm not bothered because I am jealous that I'm not in the photo. It just felt odd and somehow not appropriate. I on the other hand, consider myself pretty hip and am not too bothered by strange relationships and non-traditional stuff, so I guess why do I care? Normally I wouldn't, but my kids are involved, so that's why.

My point is that I'm learning to acknowledge when I'm affected by things. Acknowledging when I get that funny feeling in my gut. Once I've acknowledged it, it just seems easier to let it go, move on, accept it, whatever. As I've said before, so much of co-parenting with a former spouse is about realizing and acknowledging that you are not in control of a lot of situations. Every time my kids go with their dad, I have absolutely no control over what happens. Freaking out and worrying over that just takes too much energy, so I'm learning to just let it go.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Co Parenting During Divorce | Divorce And Communication | Divorce

Old Shoes

Pictured L-R - Jane, Weez, me, Liz

This picture was taken at a baby shower for my friend Jane. She lives in New York and just got married last summer. We joke that she's the smartest person we know because she waited so long to get married. She travelled, dated a lot of guys, and totally knew who she was when she got married.

I've known Jane since Kindergarten, Weez since 10th grade and Liz since 6th grade. These are my oldest 'old shoes'. I don't get to see Jane very often, but when we all get together, it's like time is erased and we're young again, each working hard to be the funniest and get the biggest laugh.

Weez, Liz, another friend Jill and I try to get together pretty frequently, but are always amazed at how difficult it is to get all of our schedules to work out so that we can see each other. We have 8 kids all together with lots of activities. I am the only divorced one out of this group and they have all been amazingly supportive to me from the beginning.

They always seem to know when I need them to shut up and just listen, and when I need them to make me laugh so hard I easily pee on myself. Nothing can break the bonds of old shoes. We've all been through ups and downs in our marriages and we all know there is no "perfect". We take trips and get away together as much as possible. We are our own little Ya-Ya group. I can say with all certainty that they have individually played a huge part in my journey after my divorce.

To your old shoes and your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Friendship And Divorce | Friendship | Divorce

Good Parenting Days

This morning, I dropped my kids off at school, then ran a couple of errands before I was supposed to work. I got a voicemail about 40 minutes after I dropped them off; it my son calling from his classroom. (How funny that kids can do that now - we didn't even have phones in our classes when I was in elementary school.) He was doing a presentation on his animal, the king cobra, in the computer lab this morning, and said "It would really mean a lot to me if you could come" in a quivering voice that I knew meant he was close to tears.

Of course, my mind started racing, thinking ok, how did I not know about this? Why didn't the teacher remind me, I didn't remember seeing a note from school last night, etc. Luckily I was close enough that I could make a detour to the school. I found his class in the computer lab and he hadn't had a turn yet at the smart board (also something so totally cool that kids have now that we didn't) to make his presentation. I was standing off to the side and was puzzled as to why there were no other parents in there.

He made his presentation and then came over to give me some hugs. He then whispered in my ear "I really really love you mom". I of course melted, and was so grateful I was able to be there for him, for whatever reason he thought he needed me there. (I found out that he was the only one who wanted to call his parent - for some reason it was important to him at that moment)

My schedule is pretty crazy and rarely do I have a flexible morning like today's. I know I made a difference to him this morning by just being there. There are a ton of days that I know I'm not there either physically or mentally, so knowing I got it right today is a big deal to me. I was able to make him feel secure and loved and to show him how important he was to me.

It seems like divorced parents often struggle with the guilt associated with what they've done to their family unit. The funny thing about kids is that it really doesn't take much effort on our part to show them how much we care. It isn't about fancy gifts or clothes, it's about making them feel safe and cared for all the time. I'm sure there are many days to come where I won't get it right, but today I did and that's enough for now.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Parenting And Divorce | Parenting

Focusing On Yourself

I got my daughter this book from American Girl Library titled, A Smart Girl's Guide To Boys. She's nine and isn't into boys, thank goodness. My theory is that the girls who have brothers don't seem too boy crazy at this age, but it's not a foolproof theory since I do know one or two of her friends with brothers who are boy crazy. I have heard good things about this book and thought she'd enjoy reading and we have had fun reading some of it together. If you have a daughter this age, I would highly recommend it.

Your happiness doesn’t depend on hitching yourself to the boy of your dreams. It depends on finding out what you love to do in the world, and doing it. Put your heart in you- in your hopes for the future, your plans for what you can do and create, experience and enjoy. It’ll make you strong and confident and ready for anything, including love.

Holy cow, these American Girl writers are geniuses! As someone who struggles with the feelings of failure that divorce nonetheless leaves you with, it really is imperative to figure out who you are as a female. To me, that above quote applies to girls of all ages.

My friend Lori and I talk often about how we really hope that our kids wait until they're a bit older to get married, instead of jumping into something right out of college. My thinking is 30 or older. It seems like it takes that long to try and figure out who you are. Looking back, I know a lot of people pressured into marriage because of a feeling that everyone else was getting married. L-A-M-O reason!

I had little idea who I was as a female at the age of 24 when I got married. I am finally figuring it out at 37 for goodness sakes and now know that my happiness doesn't depend upon someone else. That realization is a powerful thing and I just hope I can help my daughter to figure that out when she does start going bananas over boys.

To your new life...
Claire

Tags: | Parenting After Divorce | Divorce | Divorce And Children

Kindness In Everyday Things

I was touched yesterday by my son's soccer coach. He's just a really good guy. My kids play on a church league, but we don't attend that particular church, so I also don't know many parents on my son's team.

Yesterday was a crazy day. Both of my kids had their last soccer games for the season and I was helping coordinate a wedding at my church. Coincidentally, my former spouse was out of town for the weekend, so his mom was hanging out with my kids.

There was a party planned for my son's team after their game, but my former mother-in-law couldn't take my son because she had to get my daughter to her game. The boys were apparently all excited after the game to go to the party and I'm told that it was pretty obvious how bummed out my son was that he couldn't go.

His coach walked up to my former mother-in-law and asked if my son could go with his family. She was grateful and obviously allowed him to go, exchanging cell phone numbers so that they could coordinate the pick-up.

I was able to stop by the restaurant when my wedding was over and hang out with my son, the coach, and his son. You could tell how much fun my son had been having and how much it meant to him to be allowed to be included in the festivities. I am grateful for people who see an occasion to show kindness and take it. My son wasn't left out and was actually made to feel really special. Thanks Andy for helping us!

Claire

Tags: | Divorce | Divorce And Parenting | Divorce And Kindness